lester, chester, and morris

some days just seem astronomically tougher than others. the pressures of work, the pressures of insurance bureaucracy, all of the emotional baggage from demolishing a home and rebuilding a home, the discovery or memory of something precious that was lost, the receiving, the thanking, the normal teenage stuff, the large economy-sized teenage stuff, aly's graduation, realizing that i can practically reach out and touch the day when my darling daughter, my dear friend, moves 1500 miles away to fulfill her dreams, and the constant villain in the darkest corner of my mind - the villain of "what if?". what if we weren't celebrating a graduation? what if i didn't have to lie awake at night wondering when they'd get home (because they were never coming home)? it brings me to my knees. i can't wait to beat that guy some day.

anyway some days when just one more thing gets piled on the already full plate, the plate of many stressful things, the plate that currently seems to hold way more bad than good, the plate that obstructs my view of the horizon, and of the new day dawning - i find myself thinking that i just can't take it. it's weighing down on me, i can't breathe, it is a crushing feeling.

i know logically that "the only way out is through" and so i try to turn my focus to my inspirations. it's a challenge because wallowing is such sweet sorrow. but i think of so many people - really, SO many people - who have been dealt a much tougher hand than i've been dealt. to name a few:

my good friend lisa who lost her best friend, husband, and father of her children to a brain tumor almost two years ago. out of nowhere, it claimed him in about 9 months. chuck was describing the surgery he was about to have when i bumped into him in the grocery store the night before thanksgiving 2007, in his ever animated and expressive way - and by august he was simply gone. and while lisa secretly admitted to me that she had many moments alone crying in her closet, she took care of him right up until the end, always found a way to keep her home happy and balanced, and was an amazing example of grace and true love for her kids, sarah and sean. if only i could know her grace.

another good friend, jackie, who got her breast cancer diagnosis in january and took that kick in the gut like a prize fighter, who had her surgery in april and made it back at work as a teacher before the end of the school year, who still has the long reconstructive road ahead. not one day have i seen her without her contagious smile. other friends and loved ones, who have faced this and now are the welcome wagon for new recruits - kate, and lynne, my mom, my aunt helene, and countless others. if only i could know their determination.

my best friend and the love of my life, jacko, who not only has weathered every hardship i have weathered - but on top of that got his kick in the gut from a trusted employer and spent a year under the stressful anvil that is un (and under) employment in this sucky economy, and lost his dear mom nancy - all within that year's time frame. how anyone can weather all that and still wake up each day without complaining, without why me?ing, and continue forging ahead, through the fog, is nothing short of inspirational. and as if that is not enough, he shoulders all of that and gives me a generous gift of infinite proportions by allowing me the total luxury of breaking down while offering his already overburdened shoulder for me to lean on. his actions say "if your load is too heavy, i will carry some for you". he loves me that much. he is strong and he is steadfast. if only i could know his strength.

and my little friend marisa, mo's niece. a typical athletic, smart and smart mouthed teenager who suddenly found herself facing a benign but life threatening brain tumor 3 years ago. marisa went into a 12 hour, highly risky surgery with an unpredictable outcome followed by a long and tedious stroke-like recovery. with months and months of rehab and hard work, that little girl fought her way all the way back to where the effects were barely noticeable. and then the tumor returned just this spring. did she throw a fit? did she have a pity party? did she get mad at the world? i don't really know - she might have done all of those things (and who could blame her?) but she also named the three shunts they put in her head: lester, chester, and morris. in the midst of facing the possibility that she'd have to start all over again, this young lady found some humor in naming her shunts. if only i could know her courage.

i dug up a few of the plants that had rallied after the fire. i am going to plant them in my new "garden of what was".

at least three of them will have name plates. meet our amazing survivors: lester, chester, and morris - reminders that there is always a choice in how you respond to the hand you are dealt. a lesson i keep learning from someone who is 1/3 my age.

i know there are many many more friends, family members, acquaintances, and total strangers across the world who are facing tremendous hardships of their own.

my great grandmother used to have this little thing she said. she said "if you sit around a table with all of your friends and everyone lays their troubles out on the table, you'll take your own troubles back."

now, what were my troubles again?